Book Review: The Alehouse Wars

My rating: 5 fabulous stars


for one of the best satirical fantasies I have ever read.


Since the dawning of time there have been wars over land, wars over faith, wars over race, even wars over television channels....
This one here is fought over ale.

The greatest wars we remember were fought with sticks and stones, with swords and shields, with guns and bombs...
This one here is fought with flippers, tusks... and a little bit of magic.

Seals and walruses are going to war over the most precious commodity... Beer.

I know! Seals don't drink beer! And walruses don't either.
And we all know that seals can't speak English. We also know that they don't enjoy rock music, frequent ale houses, or possess an ability to do magic. But for the sake of this tale, let's suspend our disbelief. :D
These seals work. They play. They love. And they drink beer. Now the walruses want the secret of their foamy brew for themselves.

Matthias, the leader of the seals, catches wind of it from Al, the great white shark, who invented the precious brew.
'Matty, they're trying to find me plans mate!' And Al would never give up his treasure! He is determined to 'rather go down with me body poked full o'tusks than that mate!'

Mathias himself is truly one of a kind. He cusses like a drunk sailor who just dropped his last bottle of booze and really LOVES ale! To his defense, he's not a bad seal really. And he even avoids fluttering himself home in a drunken stupor, fishless - since that time it earned him a solid flipper flapping on the head from his mate Rose. You can't help but like fellow, especially when you see how proud he is of his pup. And of course he is determined to get the seals together and defend the precious brew!

But their flippers are forced when the unthinkable happens. Adella, a lovely dame seal is kidnapped while going for her daily swim. All part of the walruses strategy. One that is sure to turn the ocean red with the seals'blood.

Because the walruses are ruthless. Especially their king - Bruce Vitelli. He is a sort of Benito Corleone of the Walrus community - or more like Al Pacino at the end of Godfather 2 .... a tyrant that placed an emphasis on power, excess and getting his, or someone else's at all costs. And God forbid anyone insulted his singing cause he wouldn't hesitate to drive a tusk through their heart for that.

Then there is his brother Vinnie! Maybe the brains next to Bruce's balls. :D I swear I pictured Joe Pesci with flippers every time this particular walrus got carried away.


These two walrus brothers are hilarious! Especially when they plan!

'It's time to implement plan W.'
'Wait.. just a minute' interrupted Bruce. 'Did you just say plan W as in W for walrus?!'
'No. W for f*cking Waffles ... of course it's for Walrus.'
'You know you're a f*cking cliche with tusks, right?'
'Alright alright wise guy, so I ended up with dad's flair for originality. Sue me.'

Their plan involved a kidnapping (as I already mentioned :) ) to get the seals to come swimming to the rescue. And Adella makes a fabulous hostage. I won't squeak a word about how she drives said king crazy. Suffice it to say, it is more than chuckle worthy.

Now the seals are outraged, and a rescue is needed. But how it will be planned and done, you're gonna have to read this to find out. What should you expect if you give it a try?

A wonderful mix of beautifully choreographed battles that feel intense and important despite the flippers, shenanigans, laughter and even a bit of love, with just the right dose of ridiculous disbelief suspension added to the mix.
Fabulous flippered characters to root for, or laugh your head off about.
And a deliciously absurd story, irreverent quirky and irresistibly charming, with and end you will not see coming.


Lighthearted and action packed, this novella is loosley based on the Maccabean War against the Greeks with an absolutely unexpected ending. It has a whole load of themes scattered throughout, all dealt with in a delightfully madcap manner. One that is bound to make you not only chuckle but also burst out laughing.

Unique, wonderfully written, imaginative and though-provoking, The Alehouse Wars is one of the best satirical fantasies I have ever read.

If you are a fan of this genre, YOU HAVE GOT TO READ this!

Just give it a try and...


Seal with it! :D

Check out this book and more of Michael Evan and JMD Reid here and here